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My Journey to Overcoming Suicidal Thoughts
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Growing up with low self-esteem taught me a harsh lesson; you can be your own worst enemy. It will surprise how suicidal thoughts stem from a depressed mind which germinate from a seed called self-doubt.
image: Google
Shout out to all the strong women out there who have faced similar struggles!
I see you, God sees you.
I know what it means to hate yourself and constantly engage in negative self-talk. Could it stem from childhood trauma? Living in a society that doesn’t embrace imperfections certainly doesn’t help.
Teasing about physical features can be incredibly hurtful, turning mockery into a norm. It can sound like “toughening up,” but it often leads to adults fixating on body shape, skin color, eye size, nose shape, and ears.
I was teased for having big ears, a large forehead, my gait, and my slouched shoulders. Comparisons to friends added to the pain. In high school, an incident made things worse. Despite being a Christian with a memorized bible verses, loving parents, I still struggled with body image issues. In my first year of junior secondary school (JSS1), I even reached a point where I felt suicidal.
This low self-esteem was amplified by the scars covering about fifty percent of my body (which I’ll share more about in a future blog post). Always self-conscious about my skin, I kept to the background. Then, a senior prefect targeted me when she was punishing my whole class (kneeling and raising hands) for chapel noise-making. To make matters worse, I was already being bullied by a few older students. I was also still recovering from a traumatic fire incident that had left me mentally, emotionally, and physically scarred. Despite all these challenges, I truly loved going to school.
What triggered a severe emotional breakdown was how she always singled me out, putting me down publicly. Here I was, trying to fit in quietly, only to be insulted and called names. She even made accusations I was innocent of. Explaining myself only led to more punishment. Alone and devastated, I remember crying uncontrollably. Wandering towards the end of the classroom block, I picked up a broken bottle, intending to harm myself. I wasn’t thinking clearly.
Just as I was about to do something drastic, an office door I assumed was locked opened. A savior in human form emerged – my home economics teacher. God bless her! She took me into her office and offered words of encouragement. Her kindness meant the world to me, and I’ll never forget it. This became a turning point.
I swore never to attempt suicide again, but the suicidal thoughts didn’t disappear overnight. It took time to learn to value myself. My point is this: I almost took my life, ending a journey that wouldn’t have allowed me to share this message with you – that you can overcome suicidal thoughts. Please, don’t end your life. You have the potential to inspire others you haven’t even met yet. Don’t let anyone dim your light. Here are some things that helped me overcome those thoughts:
Help from Above: trust me, I am not trying to over spiritualize things here or be religious, nope! These points and more helped me;
- God’s Angel: My home economics teacher became an angel in human form. God often sends us help, but sometimes we shut it out. Be open to receiving help!
- Godly Companions: Surround yourself with people who will pray for you and vice versa. This is crucial! In my case, I had parents who prayed for me daily. Looking back, I realize God divinely intervened in many of my decisions. Find a friend who values you for who you are, strengths and weaknesses included, and who will be there for you.
Simple prayer:
- Talking to God: Even when I felt like God wasn’t listening, hated me, or preferred others, I kept praying. The devil lied to me, saying no one loved me, including God. Imagine that!
Instead of approaching God as a beloved daughter with a loving father, I approached him like a servant pleading with a cruel master. But Hebrews 4:16 reminds us: “Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” (Godbey New Testament).
Come boldly, he says, whether you feel worthless, suicidal, or addicted…God cares about you.
Finding Strength in Scripture:
- Memorizing Verses: I memorized verses like Genesis 1:31: “And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.” There are other Bible verses which talks about finding fulfillment, words of affirmation.
- Positive Affirmations: I surrounded myself with positive affirmations to confess whenever I felt insecure.
Reaching Out:
- Offering Support: I’m here for you. If you’d like to reach out or share your struggles, you can email me @ inspiringstoriesbybii@gmail.com. I’m happy to listen, offer encouraging words, and pray with you.
Note: I’m glad to hear that you value your privacy and want to share your experiences. It’s important to find ways to process and express your emotions, and sharing your story with others on this blog can be a helpful way to do that.
I understand that you may not be comfortable sharing your identity, and I respect that. If you’d like to share your story anonymously @inspiringstoriesbybii@gmail.com, I would be happy to listen. I can also provide you with some resources that may be helpful.
Inspiring stories by Bii
Join me as we navigate this noisy world together.
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